Packages

Like everyone else, I've walked in a haze since learning of the events at Sandy Hook yesterday. Despite a promise to my daughter to meet her for lunch at school weekly,I've missed weeks of lunches because of busyness. Yesterday, however, I went and met her in happy ignorance of the the shootings. Hours later at the office, I learned of the massacre and fought the urge to drive to school and hug my kids. Today we had our annual Breakfast with Santa at church. I came close to tears several times watching the little ones running in excitement to have their photos taken with Santa Claus. The older children left Fellowship Hall to engage in a church-wide game of hide and seek. I love that these kids take over the entire building running and giggling. It is THEIR church, they are on home turf- safe, happy, trusting. This is not the church of my youth; the one we approached in silence, shame and fear, always recounting sins and being chastised for our fallen nature. My children's church is a place that shouts "Children are welcomed and loved here! Come as you are, we have room for everyone!" After church Jake and I divided our list of errands and each took a kid to get it all done. Jacob came with me and it was nice to have one on one time with him. My little guy is in withdrawal from the loss of video game privileges. He did great work during the last marking period... but did not turn some of it in and his grades suffered. So we are all dealing now with the consequences... It is always fun and interesting to have one on one time with each of the kids. Jacob is thoughtful and kind, forgetful yet observant, and very empathetic. When our conversation turned to the shooting all my sweet boy had to say was "Mom, those little kids must have been so scared. We are all scared now". Tomorrow we'll return to church for a vigil. We will be sad, and many of us will be also scared, but we will be together on home turf. We spent the afternoon baking and listening to Christmas music. It's been a lovely day, one in which we've all been very present, not just going through the motions as usual. We will spend Christmas with my dad and he called tonight and informed me that boxes and boxes of stuff have arrived at his apartment. He has worked hard getting the place decked out and declared that his work is finally done. I asked him to help me out by wrapping all the contents of these packages before we arrive, and got a hearty laugh in return. It was the though of packages and gift wrapping that finally did me in today. I wondered about all the parents who lost their babies yesterday who have boxes wrapped in pretty paper and ribbons under their trees or hidden away in closets and attics for their deceased children. We cannot make sense of what happened. There is no reason that will ever be good enough to justify why this happened. But while we can't explain it, we do need to think about what we will do to change this world for the better. Our children will learn how to improve their world by watching us take action now.